The Tampa Bay Rays traded Evan Longoria for a gaggle of Minor League players, now President Trump is considering just the opposite; trading his Little League Attorney General for a full blown Major League Attorney General. We’ve been without a real Attorney General for so long now, I can hardly wait. Sessions argues that he isn’t slow, and he isn’t fast; he says he is half fast. I agree, he’s a half fast Attorney General.
“The Republican Tax Bill is 77% one way and 54% another way, which doesn’t seem fair, depending on other stuff. Just do the math. They didn’t pass this bill to find out what’s in it; they knew what was in it before they passed it, which is not the Democratic way. It’s always better to pass a bill without knowing what is in it. They passed it first on Tuesday, now they’re going to pass it again on Wednesday. When you do the math on that, subtracting Tuesday from Wednesday, carry the one, then multiply by the difference between 77% and 54%, what do you get? See what I mean? That’s what we’ve been saying, all along.”
“Hi, Justin Case here, with the Law Firm of Honkers Groins and Butts, and we are ready to represent you if you have ever been groped, felt up, rubbed up against, ogled, complimented on your appearance, kissed, or touched by a co-worker, a boss, a politician, or any person of stature, or means. If you have ever been told a dirty joke by your boss, if your boss ever winked at you, or curled his lip while looking at you, you may have a case. When someone buys you a drink, remember that is just another form of foreplay, so sue someone today.”
“We have lawyers standing by to take your call now. Call Honkers Groins and Butts at 1-LET-GOM-YLEG – FOR the PEEPHOLE.”
A bit of satire
I was walking Bentley, my purebred German Shedder, this morning and we encountered a neighbor, Miss Ladida Prig, who was walking her Coonhound. Snifthis. Bentley is a very friendly dog and loves to meet other dogs. After he and Snifthis met, nose to nose, tails wagging, Bentley decided to acquaint himself with the other end of Snifthis. And all he did was a quick sniff, or two, and immediately Miss Ladida Prig began to scream, “Sexual harassment!” I said, “No, no, your bitch had her tail raised on high and was wiggling her butt. She was trying to seduce my Bentley, and in the heat of the moment, he responded.”
Well, that set off a firestorm. Miss Ladida Prig said, “How dare you call my dog a bitch. Now you and your dog are both guilty of sexual harassment.” She called the SPCA, the AKC, and PETA, but none of those organizations offered her any help, so she called Gloria Allred, who has represented any number of dogs and bitches in the past, and she agreed to take the case. They will be suing Bentley for inappropriate sniffing. Of course we intend to argue that tail raising and butt wiggling imply consent.
Gloria Allred knows that Bentley has no income, so all she is demanding is for Bentley to be fitted with a service dog vest that says, “SEXUAL PREDATOR”.
This “sexual harassment” mania is spreading fast, so keep your dogs on a short leash. In the meantime I’m hoping they don’t find out about my pet rabbits.
It is believed that Colin Kaepernick will be named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, although the voting has been very close with Time’s leading candidates for their prestigious award; Harvey Weinstein, Al Franken, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Bashar al-Assad, and Kim Jong Un. It would be quite an honor for Kaepernick to prevail over such an esteemed cast of candidates.