The Brilliance of John Kerry

Secretary of State John Kerry disclosed yesterday, the formula for putting an end to terrorism; have the media stop reporting terrorist attacks. Who knew?

His solution is simple, but it shines a light on Kerry’s cunning intellectual prowess. I only wish he would have come forward with his ingenious strategy sooner. A lot of lives could have been saved. I think the Foreign Affairs Committee should bring him in and ask him why he waited to share this intel. How long has he been sitting on this? It is incomprehensible to me as to why he withheld this remedy until now.


Hillary’s Right Hand

After Huma Abedin announced that she was separating from her husband, Anthony Weiner, Hillary said to Huma, who’s her right hand, “Job well done.” When Hillary first put the word out that she needed someone to be her ‘right hand’, everyone knew Bill’s reputation, so no one wanted the job. In the beltway, ‘right hand’ jobs are generally considered the crème de la crème, but Hillary was having trouble finding someone who felt like they could handle it, given the Clinton history. Even though Bill said he was a changed man, everyone knew it depended on what the meaning of ‘was’ ‘was’.
In any case, Huma fearlessly stepped up and accepted the challenge. During her interview, she texted to Hillary, “I am a Muslim woman who has safely made it to adulthood, and having been reared next door to the Muslim Brotherhood, I can tell you it wasn’t easy. Then I married a Weiner, and we have a little Weiner, so right now I am able to handle a big Weiner and a little Weiner. I believe that makes me more than qualified to be your right hand. I hope no one beats me out.”

What Hillary Is Really Saying

I will create a government that will take actions affecting all Americans, not just some. We’ll start by taxing the hell out of corporate America, and we’ll also have a huge increase in taxes on all successful people. And any company that decides to move out of the country will be hit with an exorbitant exit tax. We will force all companies to share their profits, not just with investors, but also with people with no financial interest in the company, and we will require all businesses, large and small, to pay their employees a considerably higher hourly wage, whether they can afford it, or not. An employer will no longer be able to make any policy decisions. We’ll raise taxes on the middle class, as well. The government knows better ways to spend the people’s money than they do. I will force the productive class of Americans to provide for the non-productive class.

National Health Care will be another goal; where the government will choose your doctor, and will ultimately decide who receives health care and who does not. It’s just that simple.

On the subject of public education, school choice will not be an option. The federal government will establish the curriculum and standards for all public schools, assuring that American History will never be taught. The students will be schooled in the evils of capitalism, the virtues of Marxism, and they will be made to understand that the ideal of “freedom and liberty for all” is much overrated. The need for honesty and integrity is also exaggerated, and ever so passé.

The people who disagree with me are all dumbasses and racists.

Bill Clinton’s New Junior College

It is being reported that students may be clamoring to enroll at Clinton’s new junior college, CAD, which is being funded by himself and the Clinton Foundation. The courses being offered for the fall semester at CAD (College of Applied Deception) include:
Evasive English 101
The Art of Deflection
Circumlocution I.
The text book, ‘The Figment of Truth’, sub-titled ‘Integrity Is Way Over Rated’, is co-authored by Bill and Hillary Clinton, and will be used for all three courses. There are strong reasons to believe that some of the guest lecturers for this first semester might possibly include the likes of Barack Obama, Ryan Lochte, Bernie Madoff, Anthony Weiner, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, and Baghdad Bob. Maybe.
Opening ceremonies will include a concert by Milli Vanilli, who may have agreed to come out of retirement for this very special occasion; at least that’s what Harry Reid, who they are hinting will open the program, alleges that either Milli, or Vanilli, told Nancy Pelosi.

U. S. Olympic Swimmers Detained in Rio

U. S. Olympic swimmers Jack Conger, Gunnar Bentz, and James Feigen are being detained in Brazil, after reporting being robbed by polícia falsificação. The other American swimmer, Ryan Lochte knew his passport was going to be denied, so he escaped from Rio on Tuesday, and is swimming to Key West, as we speak.
Secretary of State John Kerry is negotiating with Brazilian authorities for the release of the three swimmers, who will be in a lineup later today. CSI: Rio de Janeiro has taken over the investigation of this bazaar Brazilian breach. The three American swimmers will be in a lineup with four other Americans. Brazilian detectives will then have well-known police impersonators try to point out the three men they robbed. If the impersonators are unable to identify Conger, Bentz, and Feigen, President Obama has agreed to pay a small ransom for their release. Attorney General Loretta ‘Between Meals’ Lynch will meet with Brazilian leaders to negotiate the terms of the ransom. John Kerry has already offered a one year supply of Ketchup and Mustard, Hillary Clinton said she would send a freighter-load of pantsuits, and Donald Trump is offering to build a wall between Brazil and Venezuela, paying for it with Colombian drug money.

If The Clintons Can Do It, Can I?

If the Clintons can do it, why can’t we all do it?
For example, what I could do is set up a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation, which I might call The G Fund. Then take money from my personal income and donate it to my G Fund. All donations to my G Fund will be tax deductible, of course. When I do a show, instead of the venue paying me my fee, the venue can make a donation to my G Fund. I’ll donate 10% of the G Fund money to a church, or maybe the ASPCA, then use the remaining 90% of the G Fund money to pay for my travel expenses, meals and entertainment, haircuts, dry cleaning, put my wife and kids on the G Fund payroll, as administrators, buy myself some new suits, etc. All tax free! How cool is that?

Two Flawed Candidates 2016

We all are aware that we have two flawed candidates this election year. Hillary suffers from Veritatem Delerium Tremores, or what the medical people refer to as VDT. People who suffer from VDT are people who are terrified of the truth. In other words she’s a liar, but then so are most folks in the world of politics.
Until he entered the political arena, no one knew that The Donald suffers from a serious case of FIMS (Foot-in-the-mouth Syndrome). During his business career, his words were never so scrutinized and parsed. He may have had this condition for some time without it being diagnosed.
Because of Hillary’s stumbling and falling down, her occasional brain-freezes, and ‘short circuiting’, questions are being raised as to a possible neurological disorder, which if so, would most certainly disqualify her as a candidate for President.
As far as The Donald is concerned, there is a possible cure for FIMS. Generally speaking, FIMS is a physical phenomenon; a condition that allows one’s mouth, larynx and lungs to work faster than one’s brain. One cure, which is only in an experimental stage, is called the ‘Marco Rubio Technique’. This is a simple technique which requires taking a drink of water before starting to speak. The time it takes to swallow the water should give the brain ample time to catch up with the mouth, lungs and larynx. Joe Biden has been on the ‘Marco Rubio’ therapy for a couple of years, and is showing some improvement.
If Hillary’s brain proves to be healthy, we’ll have to pick a congenital liar, or a rich guy who says a lot of dumb stuff.